You know what they say about location and real estate. For years, researchers couldn’t figure out why hummingbird nests often appear in clusters in certain areas, and not in others. It turned out the answer was “good neighbors.”

What is the Glory of God?

Years ago, my husband, JR, and I began to wonder what exactly is the glory of God, what does it look like. On the surface, the question seemed rather simple. But the more we tried to pinpoint what constitutes His glory, simplicity vanished altogether. When it comes to God, there is always another level of understanding and revelation with every encounter you have with Him.

For years, JR and I begin our morning with a perfect cup of coffee on the front porch and spend time with one another and Jesus. We live right outside a small waterfront town called Port Deposit. Our front yard is an oasis for every kind of bird that calls Maryland home, and it is fantastical to see! Not long after we began discussing how one could possibly define His glory, a hummingbird joined us. His colorfully iridescent feathers seeming to stand still while moving at a rate my eyes could not comprehend. While at rest, the hummingbird is a delicate and slender bird with a long, needle-like bill they help to pollinate flowers while fueling their rapid movement with its nectar.

As we sat watching this tiny majestic creature, we found precisely what we were hoping to discover…the glory of God! Watching him hover and move with grace and purpose between each plant, we saw His glory. Whenever creation does exactly what the Lord designed it to do, the glory of our Creator is on full display!

When you travel through this life doing exactly what God designed YOU to do, you are exuding the precious light of the glory of God! You and I both are crowned with His glory. So the most pressing question is, do you know what your purpose is? I believe that once you know whose you are, believe that you are, as Ephesians 2:10 says, His masterpiece, your purpose can’t help but to shine like the light off the wings of the hummingbird.

Like an artist approaching a blank canvas, God began pouring out everything that is in Him as he created you. When people see you, the handiwork of the greatest Creator, they see the unique passion He instilled in you, the dreams He dreamt for His child, the hope you have been given, and the joy of the Father laying bare His heart as He joyfully wove together all the exquisiteness in the miracle that is you! You are one of God’s crowning achievements, and that is an identity that no one can steal from you, as it is not a character trait but an undeniable truth because you are a reflection of the brilliance of the Artist himself.

Hawks. Hummingbirds. Real Estate?

Now you might be asking, “Okay, Jessie, I hear you, but what does any of this have to do with hawks, hummingbirds, and real estate?” I am so glad you asked…and great job following along!

Once JR and I had found the analogy between God’s glory and the life of a hummingbird, I became more and more curious about their lives. God being God means that our conversation most likely wasn’t finished. I discovered that hummingbirds really have two purposes in this life, one to help pollinate the flowers of the world, as well as being a part of the great food chain. That made total sense to me that these petite and fragile flyers would be ideal prey for everything larger than them. So how in the world have these helpless beauties not gone extinct?

The answer is quite simple and absolute proof of the perfect planning of our God! When nesting, hummingbirds build their nest close to a hawk’s nest. This is brilliance! The one predator that does not see hummingbirds as prey is hawks! Not only do these hummers live under the hawk for protection, but it seems like the mere presence of the hawk’s nest creates a cone-like area of protection for the hummingbirds! Again, here we are about to witness the glory of God unfolding before us as we learn how this all occurs!

Before I even understood the details of the relationship between hummers and hawks, I had begun to imagine myself as a hummingbird. Flittering and dancing about life, walking in my purpose to fulfill the destiny God has for my life. I began to picture, in my very best paraphrasing, the enemy, the devil prowling about my life, waiting and watching for the perfect moment to pounce and swallow me up. BUT GOD! I cannot, in my own capacity, protect myself without God. But as long as I stay close to our Abba, right up under the nest and the cone of protection, the safer I am.

The morning after I had written everything before this sentence, I opened my Bible to Psalm 91, and I could not help but let a giggle escape my lips at the sheer attention to detail and timing of God’s revealing things to each of us. I have read Psalm 91 a number of times over the years, but never did I hear it echo the analogy of the hummingbird, hawk, and location, location, location.

The Protection of the Most High

“The one who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say concerning the Lord, who is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust. He himself will rescue you from the bird trap, from the destructive plague. He will cover you with His feathers; you will take refuge under his wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.” Psalm 91: 1-4

“Because you have made the LORD-my refuge, the Most High-your dwelling place, no harm will come to you…” Psalm 91:9

Can you hear Him?

Researchers still seem slightly puzzled by the hummingbird/hawk relationship, saying, “This unique occurrence of a major predator providing a sanctuary for one of the smallest creatures is unprecedented in the aviary world.” Can you hear God’s purposed Word that matches the way He designed this oddity of best friends? Only God could create this friendship as the clear explanation of the strategy we need to stay nestled under His merciful protection so the enemy cannot devour us, and then give us the curiosity to ask the questions that He answered long before we breathed our first breath.

If you can be anything, be a Hummingbird! Make sure you are living under His prime real estate!

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By nature I am a quirky ball of joyous energy, quick to smile, laugh and just be excited at all that life is! My mom always told me, “Get excited at the little things in life because if you wait for the big things, you’ll miss all the joy!” And I’ve always been able to find the joy, the excitement in everything.

But what happens when I begin to feel numb…in everything? I find myself currently left with only pockets of joy, moments that feel like remnants of my life before the chaos of the past ten months overtook me, before the beginning quarter of 2024 that I lost to back surgery right after I lost my mom in 2023. I am in a season of heaviness and I feel like something has broken inside of me. What if this brokenness sticks? What if THIS is my new normal?

I’ve been listening to the song Symphony by Switch on repeat quite a bit of late. The lyrics just spoke to something deep in my soul.

One day I suddenly heard the lyrics. I was stunned that the words directly reflected the gifting and calling of the musician!! I know, I know…the title, “Symphony” should have been the giveaway. It took me singing it countless times in my car until I heard all the words that I had glossed over:

“I wanna truly know

If you compose beautiful

Music, though

From all my unruly notes

Distance is distant, it’s movin’ close

Now I see, erase the scales from my eyes

Then play the scale of my life

Chaos played off with a chord in accord

With a source prevailing through strife and

I’ve tasted suffering

I’ve been embraced by the painful buffering

I’ve been bound by doubts so loud right now

But a melody is made when you play these rusty keys

So we all gotta get pressed

Tuned up like instruments

But I know

All of life’s tempo is set

Whenever we remember this

That even in the madness

There is peace

Drownin’ out the voices

All around me

Through all of this chaos

You are writing a symphony”

I was mesmerized. How had I missed that? The artists’ musical talent is exactly how they communicate with God and about God.

My immediate thought was, I wish I had that.

What in my daily job could ever compare to that?

What about the services our business offers could possibly testify to the awesomeness of God?

As I drove down a long, beautiful rural road near my home, I kept thinking about the lyrics of Symphony, searching for a metaphor between what I do for a living and who God is. And then it hit me. I couldn’t help but to laugh! Our business is bringing light, sunlight, into people’s lives. God never misses an opportunity to reveal Himself to us.

One of my favorite passages of scripture includes John 1:4-5, “In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.“.

Everything about my job is about light. Everything in my entire life, your entire life, is about reflecting the light that comes from the One whose light shines and brings us out of our spiritual darkness.

Once I realized that my “sunshine” job is the perfect comparison to the light of Christ, and that my season of heaviness and darkness in the valley, I was quick to recall a Harvard study. This study tells us that our body physically craves sunlight, especially as winter comes to an end and spring is about to arrive! This craving, often referred to as Spring Fever, is a biological mechanism that is designed to get our bodies in “sun seeking” mode so our bodies can begin producing Vitamin D, which is naturally produced when exposed to sunshine. This exposure triggers the release of “feel good” chemicals in the brain, increasing our serotonin levels, boosting mood and energy! With more daylight, the more people smile, laugh and enjoy life!

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 I believe that nothing has nor ever will be capable of overcoming the light of our sweet Savior.

I found moments that I felt my body crying out for and craving the light. But I prayed and my heart felt empty. Showing up didn’t feel like an obligation, I just felt silent and exhausted. I sang during praise and worship and maintained the posture of worship though my worship was a decision and not about feelings. Nothing felt like my normal relationship with God. It was no longer vibrant, the light in me dimmed.

And then one day my husband shared his epiphany with me. He said it doesn’t matter if we feel the moments, or feel the joy of prayer and being in His presence. We show up because no matter what, He is always worthy of our praise. My brokenness began to feel less like being unrepairably shattered and more like I could feel the warmth of His light.

I began to show up again with expectation again. I realized that I had stopped praying over what had felt impossible for a decade. I reminded myself with a notecard that said, “Do not grow weary, keep praying!” And I did. Even though I struggled to believe that this prayer would ever come to fruition, I recommitted myself to being relentless in pursuing the Father’s heart and His heart for this situation. On Tuesday of this week, my prayers were answered. Not all of them in the way I expected, but they were answered. One stood in the face of my doubt and fear, and the light of Jesus scattered the darkness that was in me.

I had asked, “What if this brokenness sticks?”
Maybe it will.

But I am learning that even broken instruments can still play beautiful music in the hands of the Master.

And in this moment I had realized something beautiful: the light had never stopped shining. I had simply been standing in the shadow of my own exhaustion and grief. The Composer of my life had not abandoned the symphony . . .He was still writing it, even in the quiet, even in the darkness. And when the light broke through, I remembered that no season of heaviness can overcome the One who is the Light of the world.

We live in a world where almost nothing requires waiting. Hunger, boredom, desire, distraction…each can be satisfied with a tap of the thumb. If you need it, click. If you want it, click. If you don’t have the cash but you have credit, click.

In this kind of world, self-reliance is no longer just admired; it is worshiped. Independence is praised, dependence is avoided, and needing help is quietly treated as weakness.

My grandmom always told me, “You are never closer to God than when your hands are in the dirt.” This is probably one of the most profound simple truths I’ve ever been told.

When I first began to ponder how Americans became so distant from God, this simple statement provided insight. Our culture today fails to recognize that we are dependent on God for everything. Living with the façade of self-sufficiency is a dangerous game. How many of our jobs today appear to be completely independent of God?

I can imagine that one’s success as a stockbroker, business owner, or mechanic can seem reliant on nothing other than intelligence, hard work, and ingenuity. In the land of plenty, our abundance blinds us to how truly fragile our strength, resources, and lives really are. The more our lives revolve around industry and technology, the more our work and daily rhythms shift from nature-based living to artificial environments and we slowly pull away from divine reliance. Our concrete towers stand as if proclaiming that we are the “masters of our own fate.” The less our hands are in the dirt, the easier it becomes to believe we do not need God to meet our daily needs. Self-sufficiency blinds us to God’s provision and presence.

If you are like me, you probably do not need a garden to feed your family. This is unique to the modern age and culture of great abundance. While I cannot claim to have tried providing my family with fresh vegetables I’ve grown myself, I can tell you about my flowers.

Every year, as the snow gives way to the first sneak peek of green shoots from my spring flower bulbs, my hope abounds. Flower season is my favorite season. It is where I see and experience the greatness of Elohim, the mighty Creator God. I see His love for me in the delicate details of each unique flower. I see the brilliance of the colors, and my heart races with joy. I feel the love of the Father when my hands are in the dirt and my heart connects with His.

These moments also remind me how fleeting life is, despite all my work and achievements. Verse after verse, the Bible is filled with analogies describing the ephemerality of flowers, grass, and our lives:

“For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.” Psalm 103:14–16

Isaiah 40:7 tells us that only the Word of God endures forever:

“The grass withers, the flowers fall when the breath of the Lord blows on them; indeed, the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God stands forever.”

Spend a few days alone in the wilderness or day in the hospital and you are quickly reminded of human frailty and our inability to truly control anything. The moment we come face-to-face with our physical fragility is the moment we become painfully aware of our total dependence on Someone greater than ourselves. When we recognize that self-sufficiency is an illusion, we begin to understand that God is calling us to shift our focus from dependence on self to divine reliance, and then our lives change.

There is a palpable yearning in our culture to experience the supernatural. People are searching for something more, something to heal spiritual ache, cure loneliness, and give weary minds and bodies rest. We were never meant to be independent. We were designed to look to God for provision, direction, and strength.

The more time we spend with God, through His Word and prayer, the more familiar we become with His character. We grow in relationship with Him as we relinquish our false identity rooted in “inner strength and skill.” We are humbled by the realization that nothing we have is truly ours; everything is a gift from our Father. Our breath is His breath. Our faith is a gift He gives us to nurture and grow. Our dreams are His dreams for our lives. Even the bright green color that heralds spring and the joy I feel when I see it is a gift. I know that when God created that very specific shade of green, He thought of me, “My baby girl Jessie is going to love this color green.” I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt—because it brings me joy.

Can you imagine what the world would witness if we, as Christians, drew close to God, laid down our prideful self-reliance, and became humbly dependent on Christ? The world would see the glory of God. Our lives would become a living display of His matchless power, endless love, and boundless kindness. We would boldly live without the illusion of self-sufficiency and joyfully proclaim the greatness of our God!

Self Reflection

1. In what areas of my life do I most rely on my own strength, skill, or resources rather than on God?

2. How has living in a culture of convenience and abundance shaped my view of dependence on God and on others?
   

3. When was the last time I felt truly aware of my dependence on God? What circumstances brought that awareness?
   

4. What does “self-sufficiency” look like in my daily life? How might it be subtly blinding me to God’s provision and presence?
   

5. How does time spent in creation or with my “hands in the dirt,” literally or figuratively affect my awareness of God?
   

It’s okay to not be okay…

I think one of the most difficult processes for Christians today is learning how to live in the struggle without pretending we’re not.

We’ve all done Sunday morning in the church lobby when, after a major life event, someone asks, “How are you?” Inside you’re silently screaming, crying or maybe just masking your desire to run away. But, instead you smile and say, “It’s been a lot, but I’ll be okay.”

The truth is, life is different now, it’s shifted and morphed…you’re different now. You’re trying to learn to live in the blend of the old and new, the past you knew and the new you’re not ready for, or even want. You’re living in the overwhelm, trying to live on prayer and faith in emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion…and that is exhausting!

Lately, for me, it’s been the things that used to try my patience, moments that taught me breath prayers, taught me to search for the joy in the mundane, those, those are the things that break me now. They make me want to run and hide under to the covers, more than that, make me want to run away from home.

But I know there is nowhere to run, because life keeps moving forward. And I am the most difficult factor in this equation.

I think I’ve been feeling guilty about struggling with the aftermath of emotions from the two to three months my son spent in the hospital…nearly losing him twice, the turmoil of his abusive absentee father’s return and my fear of losing my son to his slick and charming lies. I am sure this fear bubbles to the surface because once I lost him to his father for hours after his dad kidnapped him from school. The thought of losing our relationship would be so much more heartbreaking.

I feel guilt from the compounding exhaustion of caretaking my mother in law, who lives with us full time, and my inability to ever be alone in my home without a constant presence entering every space where I try to just be still. And though I understand my role and job, and the honor God has given me to care for her, the weight of it feels crushing at times.

All of this and then my dad passed away.

I am sad. Forlorn. Tired. Too exasperated to respond to anyone. I feel like I am failing at every turn whether I’m hiding or trying to be what I’m expected to be when I’m supposed to be…it’s all a facade.

But none of these feelings or circumstances pressing down on me make my faith any less steadfast and strong. What they have done is expose the areas where I am, and am not, surrendered, obedient, dependent, or at peace.

Our daily walk, through difficult times, grows easier when we give ourselves permission to grieve, to not be okay, and permission not to pretend, but also not to wallow and feel pity. We heal when we’re honest and say, “In this situation, I feel alone, I am searching for God’s goodness & presence. I’m looking for the mercy and grace that He places in our every lived experience that we surrender to Him.”

Our heart posture of honesty and humility, when our hearts harken His, we must draw close with our emotions, ask our questions, and bring our hurt to the feet of Jesus. We must be willing to be still, surrender control of our forced neat and expected responses, release our managed anxiety because true peace cannot coexist with the perfection of manmade circumstances created to obtain outcomes we desire.

If I’ve learned anything this week, this month, in the past 7 months of desperately uncontrollable situations and outcomes is that trying to manage any of that and ignore my lack of control and submission to God’s sovereignty over it only compounds the anxiety I’m unwilling to acknowledge. I’ve found I don’t know how to walk with God when answers aren’t needed or know how to connect with Him when there’s urgent surgery, my ex husband, my past, my future, my child, my mother in law, and my need to fix all complaints and problems that overwhelm my day and brain, my aching desire to hide from it all.

I realize that I’ve been drowning in panic. My peace, once so carefully nurtured and new growth now withered and dry where my tears are not sufficient to bring them back to life and my dependence and prayers also begin to fade away.

My performance of “ok-ness” is no longer a place to hide but to drown. My control replaces my peace. My prayer and faith feel like performance not relationship.

And then I realized…HOLY WORDS HEAL HEARTS

I begin writing His words out with distress yet passion to find Him. His Word flows with veracity from the page to my mind and then into my notebook. Each word penned in my journal speaks the steadfast Holy truth that has been and is unshakeable and undeniable since the beginning of time. His Words become my prayers. They begin to be the conversation I don’t know how to have with Him.

“As a deer longs for flowing streams, so I long for you, God. I thirst for God, the living God.” Psalm 42:1

“The Lord will send His faithful love by day; His song will be with me in the night - a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8

“Why, my soul, are you so dejected? Why are you in such turmoil? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:11

These Words, and many, many others, are like a salve to my troubled heart. I follow His with words of my own prayers scribed with swiftness. And after days, hours, and minutes filled with this sacred exchange, my joy and peace in my mind, body and soul are being resuscitated!

A Guided Prayer Reflection

God,
I come to You without pretending.
I’m tired of performing “okay” when I’m not.

You see what I’m carrying,
the grief I haven’t named,
the fear I’ve tried to control,
the exhaustion I’ve learned to hide.

I confess that I’ve tried to manage my way to peace
instead of resting in You.
I’ve mistaken control for faith
and silence for strength.

Meet me here.
In my uncertainty.
In my weariness.
In the places I’ve avoided bringing to You.

Help me surrender what was never mine to carry.
Restore what has withered in me.
Teach me to trust You, not after the storm,
but in the middle of it.

Today, I give You my not-okay.
And I trust that You are still good.
Amen.

Today was a snow day.

Before the break of dawn, we opened our front door to a world blanketed in hushed beauty, a morning not yet moving, because today there was no rush. No, this morning was filled with a beautiful silence.

Just a few short hours later the silence broke and the peace and joy almost felt as if it slipped away as our 21 year old got upset and left. I was stupefied, but I chose to remain in a controlled state of mind. Hours later, though, I found myself overtaken by grief and a deep, soulful tiredness. I shouldn’t be surprised, I never took the time this morning to speak with my Father. Now, I didn’t even know where to begin.

I was speechless. And yet my hands ached for a pen, longing to bleed onto paper. I had nothing to say, which made the ache all the worse. And this is where my frustration was reminded of my faith and I began to write out my prayer. It felt strange to write a prayer. I never do. I often feel like written prayers should be manicured and restrained… just in case. In case someone reads it. Or worse, what if God reads it and it sounds exactly like I feel…uninspired? Still, I did it anyway.

My written prayer unfolded differently than I ever imagined. I didn’t begin with the familiar, “Hello Lord.” Instead, I stated the obvious, “I do not know how to handle conflict or tough moments. It’s days like today that make my heart ache with sadness. I have no appropriate coping skills.”

Then came the familiar voice of my past, cue the self-pity, “There are so many days of my life I wish I could do over. Live better. Make decisions without fear, fear of people, fear of upsetting others, fear of being left.”

But the me of today has been through so many refining seasons; and of recent God has really had my attention and I have begun to more fully live a life laid down for Him. A life lived better for His glory. A life where lost time is being redeemed.

This is where my past and present had to bow to the GOODNESS of God. And, it is at this intersection that I am reminded of my husband’s saying, “We have to choose surrender every day.” Surrender certainly is not a one and done. He continues, “We either start with surrender or end with surrender, but either way we surrender.” And my starting with it would have made today so much different.

The prayer continued.

I have spent a great amount of time of late thinking about laments. When I had begun writing this prayer, that was my goal, thank God, shake my fist, remind myself of His faithfulness and sovereignty and move past this moment. Here is how it went, “I feel so tired. Maybe because I feel like my life keeps repeating the same cycle. I SHOULD be asking You what I need to learn. What old behavior and ways do You want me to lay down? Because I know that this is the only way forward. But I will need to hear from you what needs to be refined. I want to lament and feel better but how can I do that when I am the problem?”

When all else fails, begin where you should have started, in the Word.

That’s when I began to write out Psalm 77. Almost immediately, God brought another passage to mind,

“Do not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

I accepted those words. I agreed, I will not be conformed to this world. I will not relive my past. Instead, I chose to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. As I wrote out the remainder of Psalm 77, I heard exactly what I had been asking for. The will cycle break when I meditate on His Word. That is where I learn to discern His voice of truth over the noise of the world. When our thoughts race, when we are troubled and perplexed, we must choose to steady our souls and renew our minds. Renewal requires returning to Scripture again and again, listening for the comforting voice of the Father. I will dwell in His Word. I will surrender to reflection and contemplation daily.

In Psalm 77:11–12, Asaph gives us three verbs that guide us toward renewal:

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
Yes, I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will ponder all Your work,
And meditate on Your mighty deeds.”

1. REMEMBER — zakar: to call to mind.
Asaph intentionally recalls what the Lord had done for Israel. When we feel buried beneath the weight of the past or present, we must call to mind the ways God has shown up for us. Speak your testimony aloud. And if your well feels dry, cling to the truth you cannot deny, the saving resurrection power of Jesus Christ and the love that carried Him to the cross for you and for me.

2. PONDER — hagah: to meditate, to resound.
If we want to loosen the grip of this world’s weight, Scripture must fill us. We want the Word of the Lord to fill us, impact us therefore we need to hear it, pray it, sing it, and let it resound through minds. Isaiah 31:4, “This is what the LORD says to me: “As a lion growls, a great lion over its prey...” uses the word roar, or hagah, to bring a vivid image to our minds. Stop for a moment, close your eyes and picture a lion roaring. He roars with more than just his voice, no the roar resonates and reverberates through his entire body. His roar, like the way we should let God’s word resound in us, it should come from the very center of our being. Without it, our minds, the world and Satan fill in the blanks where the truth belongs. We cannot forget that Satan’s lies don’t become our truth until we believe them, and then those lies become our reality. BUT when the Truth in buried down in our heart and radiates from the inside out of us, Satan’s lies cannot stand. Truth will then hold the place it belongs, on top of the remnants of the lies we once believed.

3. MEDITATE — siyach: an internal dialogue with God through prayer, reflection, and even complaint.
The Puritans described meditation as preaching to ourselves. Isn’t that freeing? In the pre-meltdown, mid-panic, or post-anxiety moment, we don’t need an audience, we need to preach scripture to our own souls.

Tonight, the world outside remains hushed. Inside the warmth of my home, my soul is learning to be the same. Tomorrow I will begin with surrender. And by His grace, I will stay firmly planted there. The day may be ending in a sad kind of quiet, but it is here that He draws me the closer to Himself.

I did not get the do over I wished for. I did not rewind the morning or repair the moment with my son. But I was given a day that was filled remembrance, pondering and mediating on the Word. Maybe this is what renewal looks, not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God within it. Not a perfected heart, but a yielded one. Not a beauty filled snow day, but a fractured snow day redeemed by His Truth.

Reflection

• Where in your life are you resisting surrender instead of starting with it?

• What cycle do you sense God inviting you to break through the renewal of your mind?

• When was the last time you truly lamented before the Lord…honestly and without polish?

• What Scripture has anchored you when your thoughts felt loud or overwhelming?

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Christmas may be different for you this year. The holiday season may feel like something you’re trying to survive rather than one to anticipate with joyous expectations. The very thought of gathering with family and friends this year and standing in rooms filled with laugher and smiles can make your heart sink and steal the last bits of strength you have as you prepare for it all. This year, this Christmas is different. And what was will never be again. It can be overwhelming to be living in the heartbreak and feeling as if your entire world has been shattered.

There is so much joy, excitement, and "happiness” that surrounds Christmas. Well, it’s really more than just Christmas Eve and Day, it’s the preparation, parties, family and friends and all hoopla and hope that surround the entire holiday season from the Christmas to the New Year celebration that is wrought with expectation. I know that after my first year or two after my divorce, all I felt was a sense of heaviness and grief. I felt the need to pretend that everything was normal, normal for my son, and normal enough to just help others feel “comfortable” with the change. And when I say comfortable, I mean I just didn’t want to have to talk about it or hear one more person ask me how I was doing, how my son was handling things. Everyone’s intentions were honorable, but the weight of it was heavy and laden with grief because this year is different and uncomfortable. And you having to navigate this season of different & uncomfortable in front of everyone else just makes it feel unnecessarily more exhausting. It can make this joyous and hope filled time of year hard and filled with sorrow.

I am not sure what your story is this Christmas season,

but I do know that you are not alone!

This “new” all sucks in the beginning. But the reality is that it sucks with pockets of joy! God truly does heal the hard feelings of this season you are maneuvering through right now and trades them for beauty. For me, none of this began before I grieved the life I once had, the life I believed I had been living and the life I thought would be my future. I learned that God is a “big boy” who can handle the size of my hurt, my anger, my overwhelmed and, well, all the big emotions that were consuming me.

I realize now that it was my Job kind of questions and upset with God that began helping to develop a truly intimate relationship with Him. Sometimes I would scream, literally scream, with every ounce of me at Him. God invited me to have the hard feelings with Him. Sometimes my prayers and my conversations were just sobbing, sometimes it was me begging Him to not let every moment be scarred by this season. I threw every uncomfortable emotion directly at Him, held it up to Him with disgust and anguish. He walked me patiently through every raw emotion. And with His unending lovingkindness, He healed my hurt.

Whatever you feel in this season of different, lean into it, feel it, and know that it’s okay that these moments and feelings feel too big because each and every year, the new becomes less different and holidays will again abound with hope and joy. Remember this one truth, you have never stopped being His beloved!

I pray that the God of all hope will fill you, your family and home with joy and peace! I pray the Holy Spirit brings restoration where restoration is needed, healing where healing is needed, love where love is needed and His presence be palpable and His peace abounds.

The Breaking.

Not unlike you, most likely, my life has been filled with relentless hardships. For me, my hardships began with a marriage filled with overwhelming deceit, confusion and soul devastation that has its roots in years of psychological and emotional abuse peppered with bouts of physical abuse. The escape was hard. The years of living in the shattered aftermath was overrun with fear, flashbacks, and pain. I spent so long trying to comprehend if any of my life during that season was real, or was it a reality that someone else created and forced me to live in. Today, I don’t believe any of it was real for him, it was just a game to play. For me it was very real, but the stark contrast between the two tore my heart and mind into pieces.

Lament.

In the aftermath, I lived in the lament. The worldly version of lamenting. I mourned aloud. I wailed. I wept. I lived in regret. In this lamenting, there was no healing. I was crying out into the great void of humanity and no hope ever echoed back. I was carrying the unbearable weight of my past at the expense of my present life. I was living in the breaking.

There is so much beauty in the refining fire. There are miracles that arise from the breaking. But it is in the uniquely Christian expression of lament that unleashes healing that sets us free to be molded in the Father’s hands. But how do we move from the pain to the healing?

Mark Vroegop says,

“The Bible commands believers to rejoice in all circumstances. ‘Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.’ (1 Thess. 5:16-18, ESV)

‘Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…’ (James 1:2)

It’s clear that Christians should not allow the pains of life to steal our joy in God. We should embrace the brokenness in the world with a hopeful confidence. That’s true and biblical.”

How was I to supposed to be living in the breaking trying to reconcile my pain with God’s joy when gratefulness and rejoicing seemed impossibly far away. Biblical lament. Our Christian laments are not complaints and cries, no, they are passionate prayers of sorrow and grief taken directly before God. No sugar coated, polite prayers. They are some of the most honest and visceral kinds of conversations we can have with God.

In the minutes after my mom passed away, my pastor reached out and offered me a thought that has colored my future struggles as opportunities for rejoicing. He said to me, “Isn’t it wonderful that we as Christians get to grieve with hope.” To grieve with hope! My heart was still shattered and my soul ached, BUT GOD! God has given us the joy of hope knowing that we will be reunited in His presence, never eternally separated, just the vapor of my life until the next! HOPE. It was in this very moment that my lament met my praise.

Christ welcomes the grief and pain, fear and brokenness that we bring to Him and He is strong and can handle all the emotions we find tied to this. He is our High Priest, our Intercessor, the One who suffered everything this life offers all of us, He was no exception. And this is why bringing our wailing, regret and mourning to the throne walks us to remembering that nothing that happens to us in this life that is bigger than what Jesus did for us. It was His last breath that should put praise on our lips. It is His resurrection that offers us a hope this world cannot neither compete with nor contain. It is here that we are now equipped for the rejoicing and restoration and trust in the one true God.

Prayers…Lament Style

I was recently speaking with a young woman, who like me, has lived through the agony of domestic violence along with the confusion and crisis of self that ensues in its aftermath. She felt she couldn’t take all of her pain, confusion, disappointments, and anger to God. She had questions she needed answered. I’d been there, and for different reasons, can continue finding myself back in confusion and questioning. If you have ever felt like your prayers too are messy, angry, or full of questions, you are not alone. The Bible is filled with prayers like this! God has used these biblical laments as written permission to bring our pain directly to Him…no polished prayers needed.

That’s the beauty of lament. Laments aren’t filled with beautiful flowy words of prayer. No, laments are raw, honest. Psalm 13 is a perfect example of the kind of prayers we’re talking about. King David brought it all, his pain, his fears and laid his bold and unabashed thoughts right before God, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” David didn’t come to God’s throne with faithless complaints. He came with faith filled cries. A real, honest and intimate relationship with God is built in this tension of pain and sorrow and choosing that no matter the outcome, to trust in the goodness and sovereignty of our God. It is in this choice of trust that then bridges the gap between the tension and our praise.

So you’re probably wondering how in the world do you wrap your sorrow in faith and lament the “right way.” Taking all of my anger, hurt, and questions to God and holding them up to Him with all of my huge emotions felt wrong as began my first journey of lament. I felt like I wasn’t “supposed to” or “allowed” to bring anything to God that wasn’t praise, gratefulness and adoration just seemed disrespectful. But God invites to go deeper with Him. I don’t know about you, but when life gets hard, heavy and ladened with a seemingly an endless barrage of trials, my first reaction is to stop turning to God. I begin to focus inward instead of upward. God wants so much for us to hash things out with Him, instead of going quiet. His Word provides us with the framework and language to do it well.

4 Steps to Lament

God has shown us prayers of lament from the Psalms, to prophets, to Job and even Jesus’ that follow a framework or pattern for us to follow. The greatest gift I was given during learning to walk along side of trauma survivors was to write out my own laments. The following are the four stages or steps of a prayer of lament. Each step can be as long or as short as your conversation with God needs to be! But no matter what, never end with the problems, end with worship and praise…because he is worthy of it all!

1. Cry out to God: When life brings us moments and seasons of struggles, pain, sorrows, and/or suffering, cry out to God with all of the hard questions and emotions. Psalm 22:1 exemplifies this when the psalmist cries out, “ My God, why have you forsaken me?”

   ✨What are you mourning right now, or breaking your heart?

   ✨What anger, sadness, or disillusionment are you feeling?

   ✨Where do you feel a disconnect between God’s promises and your life or the world?

2. Seek Understanding & Ask for Help: Bring your questions and seek God’s presence and help. For an example, read Habakkuk 1:2, “How long, Lord, must I call out for help?”

   ✨What is your deepest desire for your life situation?

   ✨How do you wish God would help you right now?

   ✨What do you want to ask of God in this moment?

3. Confess Your Trust in God: Acknowledge that no matter the outcome of our prayers, God is trustworthy. Psalm 13:5 says, “ But I trust in Your unfailing love.”

   ✨How have you seen God be trustworthy in the past?

   ✨How can you remind your heart about God’s promises, even if you don’t feel them in the moment?

   ✨How can you still name all the ways God is worthy to be praised, despite your current pain?

4. Praise and Hope: Despite all uncertainty and circumstances, choose to praise, worship and trust in God’s unending faithfulness! Psalm 42:11, “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him.”

   ✨What attribute of God gives you hope for your future

   ✨What are the moments, stories, and testimonies that immediately bring praise to your lips?

   ✨How can you stop and worship God right now and express to Him that He is worthy of all the glory and all the praises you and all of His creation reflect back to Him?

I’m excited to hear how your relationship with God deepens in the lamenting!!

Wherever you find yourself right now, may you be overwhelmed with God’s love and may His face radiate His divine favor and peace over your life.

Numbers 6:24-26, “May the Lord bless you and protect you; may the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; may the Lord look with favor on you and give you peace.”

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in the time of need.”

Hebrews 4:15-1

We serve a God who forgives ALL sin, “remembering it no more”. Jesus still bears the the scars of the crucifixion and yet chooses not to recall the sin that He cast as far as the east is from the west. Instead, He wears them as an eternal revelation that He loves us and died in our place while we were still sinners. There is so much power in the beauty of those scars. They remind us that our High Priest suffered in this world just like we do, like I have. Mocked, beaten, berated, belittled, abandoned and broken by the very ones who should have loved Him most. Jesus has experienced everything we have and more because He alone bore the weight of our sin. And yet, despite all that He endured before He gave up His life for ours, He CHOSE to remember our sin no more.

There are two major life changes that mark my life here on this earth. The first propelled the second into existence. The beginning of my “last life” was filled with 11 years of emotional, psychological and physical abuse and stalking. Those years were devastating, confusing, degrading, filled with fear, and yet I would never change one moment of that season of life for anything. By no means were they joyful, but here is where God began to till the soil of my life.

The scars I bear still speak to the life I once lived, and bears witness to the shattered life that arose out of abuse. But unlike Jesus I cannot choose to forget the life I once lived. BUT I do get to wear the remnants of those wounds, recall the life I once had, and no longer bear the burden of the sorrow and anger that they once came with. And here is where my “first life” was laid to rest and my second was born out of forgiveness of the past.

Because of Jesus, I GET TO choose forgiveness. The beauty of forgiving the one who nearly destroyed me often leaves me speechless. Which, for those who know me must think it to be a miracle on its own. Forgiveness did not come easily nor without cultivating a real and very intimate with Jesus and a great desire to be obedient to the One who paid the price for my freedom from the very emotion that was suffocating me.

VENGENANCE.WRATH.SPITE.

Once I had left my ex-husband and was ushered away into safety, the world told me that I was entitled to own every single one of my feelings. Society seemingly sanctioned and encouraged me to vent out loud the atrocities of this man I had once called had my husband. I was “granted” the right to call down fire from the heavens on him. I wanted God’s wrath to be lavished down upon him like some medieval torture method. I was filled with hatred and spite. I wanted to him to get exactly what he deserved. But the life that that was creating within me was exhausting. It had become overwhelming and unwieldly. This was without doubt the result of a life lived under the weightiness of unforgiveness.

LOVE. MERCY. GRACE.

These are the attributes, the very essence of the Father whose heart was moved to save us from the just punishment we deserve. YOU, ME, and yes, him…the name of the one who you may believe you cannot forgive, we all have been ransomed from death. The exacting price has been paid. Truth be told, at that point of my life I was so far from God. Without intervention, I would have had to pay for my sins with my very own life.

At the heart of my anger, I ran head on into my own PRIDE! I had lost sight of my own downfall. I had had my own descent into darkness in the aftermath of abuse and divorce. Unlike my ex-husband, I hadn’t responded with violence and purposefully composed fear. In comparison to him, I believed I was good, so, so good! AND SMACK, HUMILITY! I learned that only God is good & there is no gage for the “badness” of one’s sin…sin is sin. And I was swimming in an ocean of it and pain of my own making.

And this became my first encounter with the lovingkindness, long suffering, mercy and grace that Abba so freely offers us. But I first had to face my pride and my spiritual exile from the Father and begin the long walk back to an intimate relationship with Him. God began by giving me the kindest, most sincere godly husband who helped usher in the season of planting in the fertile soil of my heart with God.

REDEMPTION.FORGIVENESS. PEACE

Author Diane Ferreira in her article, Understanding the Importance of Forgiveness in the Bible: A Complete Guide, references 2 Corinthians 2:10-11, “’Now anyone you forgive, I also forgive…in order that satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.’ Here Paul underscores the importance of forgiving others, noting that a lack of forgiveness can become an opportunity for the enemy to disrupt unity and peace.” This perfectly explains how my “first life” propelled me into my second. The very problem of unforgiveness was disrupting my life and stealing my peace. It took two years of fear and chaos consuming my every thought before everything within me broke. If I was to be exact, the moment that broke me was when my most amazing man of a husband said, “I hope one day you think about me as much as you do your ex-husband.” MY HEART STOPPED. I WAS CRUSHED. AIR, NO LONGER IN MY LUNGS. I was totally devastated. Satan had me all tangled up in the disruption of my past that it was stealing the beauty of my new life and all of the peace that one day would exist.

That was the day we began praying together for my ex-husband. I stood in our bedroom, hand in hand ready to pray with my Love. But no words would/could escape from behind my lips. I was angry, I did NOT want to pray for this man. So, in all of his graciousness, my husband began praying for my ex-husband and God’s pursuit of his heart. Day after day we prayed. Weeks and months had gone and even a year passed when I first learned that forgiveness is a one way street. One can forgive without the other knowing! I had to accept that my proffered forgiveness didn’t mean it would be accepted or appreciated. No, the most valuable lesson I learned is that forgiveness is an act of obedience and worship. Jesus asked the Father to forgive the ones who were killing Him while He was still nailed to the cross. Because He sacrificed His life, bore my sins, I can now stand unblemished and righteous before the Father. The only thing I had to offer this King was my worshipping act of forgiving the one I once thought was so undeserving. Since then, God has used my past to walk with other survivors of domestic violence. God deserves all the praise I have to offer, and even that will never fill the depths of His love for me, and for the one for which I prayed.

FORGIVNESS = PEACE

Decisions lead, emotions followed. It took me YEARS until I fought to find and weed out every ounce of anger and unforgiveness. And as I sit here writing, just days from the 12th anniversary of the last time he strangled me, I can say I am fully healed. I can say that with great confidence because I was tested and my Savior, My Abba, my faith stood strong when confronted with what was once my greatest fear…him.

My son spent 2 months in the hospital this summer. He hadn’t had a relationship with his father since he left in 2014 and never looked back. Here we are 11 years later and BAM he walks in the hospital. I fell silent. STUNNED, SHOCKED.DUMBFOUNDED. Those are the only words I have to express what I felt in that moment.

*Note: not fear and anger, vengeance nor wrath had a place in my heart.

Since then, my ex-husband has expressed his lack of sorrow for all but strangling me to death, abandoning our son, and everything else that occurred. He has not one iota of feelings of remorse for the chaos he had created and left us in. I had lived in fear for nearly a decade worrying about what would happen if we ever saw one another. He always told me he would kill me, and I thought that fear would never leave me. But it is the unseen things, the eternal assurance and God’s presence, that brought serenity to my soul despite all else. Where there is God, there is no fear.

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” Psalm 29:11

My prayer for you

Wherever you find yourself right now, may you be overwhelmed with God’s love and may His face radiate His divine favor and peace over your life.

If you have experienced abuse you are not alone! Reach out to me any time at suntanincjess@gmail.com! Life is meant to be lived together in Christ!

Help is available

Speak with someone today

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The “Rules”

I am a rule follower by nature or possibly because I was raised by a strict Army dad. Either which way you look at it, I thought rules were required for every task, mundane or complex, I always needed to know what the rules were so I could “do it right.” I even felt the need to “do it right” according to the rules that are self-imposed.

I have been writing on and off for decades. I have partially filled notebooks everywhere I turn. Why, you may ask. Because I have made up rules such as, “That notebook is ONLY about God’s holiness, glory and His majesty.” And when I couldn’t figure out what to write next, I shut its beautiful pink cover and set it aside for the next time I ran into something on topic with THIS notebook’s purpose. Then there was the journal where I kept my prayers for prodigals. It was going great UNTIL I wrote, “The Expectant Ebenezer” on the blank pages that called for an explanation of Ebenezers and how we can build them to preemptively proclaim the prodigals’ return. That journal…DEAD to me. I had “ruined” it.

I followed my imaginary rules: there can only one color of pen per notebook. I cannot write messily on the pages, no scribbling allowed, stay on topic, etc. And anytime these rules were broken the notebook must be retired and hidden away. That was until one day I had so exhausted myself, I began feeling God call to me to just sit down and write out His Word. I immediately made a new rule that trumped all others. The rule was that I cannot have rules tied to writing or on what pages that God’s words would grace. I bought a couple of notebooks and just began writing. On the pages within these notebooks I began to transcribe passages and chapters from the bible.

My first question became, “God, how do I get to where you want me?” His response is always clear, He simply wanted me in His word. And handwriting scripture is one of the most powerful forms of meditation. Scientifically speaking, writing by hand enhances memory retention, promotes learning, deepens our understanding, improves creativity, creates a calming effect and it encourages reflection. Spending time with God through scripture writing creates a very intimate and personal connection with Him. Because it slows you down, handwriting allows space for God and a sacred invitation to learn to hear His voice as He reveals His heart to you.

This is a daily practice for me and one I truly look forward to everyday. I have never once walked away without a personal encounter with the One who loves me most. Honestly I believe that that scripture writing plants the word of God so deep in your heart, mind and soul that nothing will ever separate you from it.

How to Begin

*Remember it is okay for your handwriting to be sloppy, its okay if they pages look messy, and it’s okay if your pages look beautiful. God just wants you to show up and hang out…the Creator of ALL things is waiting for you, don’t miss the opportunity!

Rule 1

WRITE THE SCRIPTURE! It doesn’t have to be complex or elaborate, you just need to begin copying His Words in your handwriting onto your journal page. BAM! You’re doing it! GREAT JOB!

Note: There are no other rules!

Each day may be different. There are no rules, just to listen to God’s voice. You can begin in Genesis and write all the way to Revelations a verse, chapter or book at a time. Or, if you are like me, some days I feel called to write specific passages. And when I cannot decide, I go directly to the Psalms. I find that the Psalms already feels like journal writing and the books cover the full gamut of human emotion so whatever feeling I’m experiencing that day, the Psalms has a book for me!

To begin, I always start with prayer thanking God for His Word and I ask for wisdom and for Holy Spirit to illuminate to me what I need to see and hear. Some days I find that a particular word strikes a cord with my soul. Because hand writing require letter by letter, word by word attention, you will find that you see and hear more than you may have noticed in the past.

Below is a picture of a part of this morning’s journal writing. Yesterday I wrote out Psalm 33, leaving me to do chapter 34. Because Psalms already has breaks between stanzas this part is easy to do. As you see below, I wrote a stanza and then followed up with my personal thoughts or what I believe the author was expressing. I underlined the words that made an impression on me, and I made note of the feeling of, “I’ve been here too” with some of the verses.

Final Thoughts

There is no right or wrong way to do this, you just do it. Many people have the ability to make pages look beautiful and draw the images they “see” when writing and some use the gift of lettering to enhance their pages. As you have now seen, my pages are filled with just my writing. I pray you find comfort in the unique way God designed you, know that there is no room for comparison in this kingdom family because, in the words from Psalm 139:14, “…you are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

For a moment image if your walls were covered in your handwritten Words of God. A friend of mine had her prayer journal printed on wallpaper and literally covered her wall in her answered prayers! Dream, UNLOCKED!

Free Resources

There are many amazing and beautiful free printables to help you keep track of your progress!

Here are a few Scripture Writing Printables:

Scripture Writing Tracker by Book and Chapter:

Beautiful Flower Scipture Tracker

9.43MB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Simply Beautiful Teal Verse Tracker

2.26MB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Simple Verse Tracker

347KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Scripture Writing Tracker Book:

ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH YOUR FATHER!

August 18, 2021

My testimony as sent to Prison Fellowship Ministry Team:

Since starting a study on idolatry I’ve found a new level of doubt and pushed to new level of faith....all because I once donated to a prison ministry....your ministry. You see, my son “lost” his father because of his violence and as a result, prison. He lost his hope of a relationship with his father because of the choices his dad made. Every time I see work release crews on the side of the road I break out in tears and prayer begging God to soften those men’s hearts, heal the families they’re going home to, I beg God for what my son never had. I believe with every ounce of me that God can change these men, and with that every single generation of sons and daughters that will follow.

Since donating Bibles to Prison Fellowship I get monthly newsletters about how God “heals and restores families shattered by crime.” As a matter of fact I got one today. I’m laying in bed reading it and crying because God undoubtedly restores. The descriptor “families shattered by crime” could not be a more spot on depiction of what it feels like to live in the aftermath....shattered.

Last night surrounded by my small group of women facing the uncomfortable truth of what we idolize more than God, I admitted out loud at my surprisingly absolute lack of faith in God’s ability to change everyone but him, my son’s father, my ex husband, a man whose name I prefer not to utter. But in the presence of these women I said it, I said his name ... “I do not believe God will ever be able to truly change George. I mean I hope He can for my son’s sake, but I don’t think it could ever really happen.” My heart stopped.... I actually said that out loud. Here I am trying to make sure that I am rooting out that gets in the way of me loving God more than anything and BAM, I faced with all my ugly.

So tonight as my hands clench this newsletter filled with the truth of how BIG and FAITHFUL and FORGIVING our God is, I am reminded how quickly I can fall into unforgiveness. I’m reminded how much my lack of faith in man bleeds out of my heart and I begin to doubt how truly awesome and powerful and kind and restorative God is to every one of His children...because we all all been shattered and God is gracious to restore.

I keep your newsletters in my Bible to remind me daily about the life changing power of our Savior and the hope and restoration it brings. Today, your ministry moved me in a way I never expected and for that I am grateful. I pray that your newsletters bring healing to those receiving it as well as those whose stories it tells.

• Proverbs 10:12 says “Hatred stirs up conflict,
  but love covers over all wrongs.”

  • Have you, like me, ever mistaken the “love” in this verse to be your own and not the love and peace that flows from God Himself?

  • “Love covers all wrongs, but the wicked find motivation from hatred or spite toward others. In contrast, the righteous are motivated by love. Hatred seeks ways to cause trouble, but love looks for ways to forgive.”

• Where have you been challenged by your own lack of faith?

  I’d love to hear from you!

• If your life has been effected by crime, on either side, please consider donating to Prison Fellowship!

One of the most enduring and deep rooted questions that we wrestle with in this life are, “Who am I? or What’s my identity?”

Almost all of my life I looked to the world to provide me with those answers because I didn’t yet know that I was born with an eternal, intrinsic value that the world cannot define or deflate.

When I was in school I was defined by the number of friends I had, the name brand on my clothes, and my scholastic abilities. Teachers told me I was a “good girl”, special, intelligent, and I believed them because that is who I desperately wanted to be. As time passed my worth became tied to my job, my “beauty” was tainted by crazy curly hair and freckles. I am, by nature, a very energetic, enthusiastic, wiggly, overly talkative person. These words were the labels I wore with great sadness and shame. I had been told I was overwhelming, too much, too loud, you name an adjective associated with an overabundance of energy (and words not meant to be descriptively kind) that was how I was labeled. There were times I was mocked in order to “correct” this kind of behavior, other times people just felt the need to comment and laugh. No matter what, those labels weighed down my soul and any remanent of self worth I had.

Those name tags left me believing that my value was worth so much less than everyone else. The world wanted to pressure me into conforming to its understanding of identity and purpose. This left me finding myself exhausted from performing and warring with my worth in the eyes of the world. I began to settle because I was “less than”.

Hello, My Name is BELOVED!

On November 13, 2013, on my 11th anniversary with my first husband, I stood in a court room asking a judge to protect me from the very man who was supposed to be my protector. That year I continued to gather names/labels and I wore them with great shame. I was now defined as mocked, beaten, battered, broken, unloved and unlovable, discarded and broken. I was now nothing more than my ex-husband’s victim, scared, scarred, broken and distraught.

God had walked me through the most difficult and devastating season of my life, and had then given me the most amazing godly husband, and yet I stood crying and fearful one day because I had no idea who I was if I wasn’t my ex-husband’s victim or a domestic abuse survivor. Who am I when I’m being a mom, wife, friend, daughter, who am I when I just don’t measure up? The pressure and anxiety and worry and effort to be who everyone thinks I am or who I think I’m supposed to be is crushing in its weight.

When my self worth comes from people (including myself and the world) then my worth fluctuates, it’s fleeting and quantitative. All the sources of identity are temporary and changes by who is evaluating my worth. Every bit of worth is then merely circumstantial. If we base our value on things that can change, if our identity is rooted in wealth, status, background, possessions, it creates disillusionment and shrinks the power of the Gospel and the reality of who God is in our lives.

And then one day I read Roman 9:25, “…those who were not my people I will call my people, and she who was not loved I will call beloved.” To say I was overcome by these words is a gross understatement. God, the Creator of all the universe says that I, who was not loved, He calls beloved. Didn’t He know how damaged and defective I am?

And yet He calls me BELOVED!

Hello, You Beautiful Masterpiece!

YOU are God’s masterpiece. Stop for a moment and close your eyes and imagine one of the great artist of history. Imagine they step up to a blank canvas filled with purpose, passion, and a deep love for the work they’re about to create. The blank canvas is awaiting the master’s hand. And without holding back, he begins to pour out everything in Him onto this canvas. He knows that when people see his art, it will take their breathe away. They will stand gathered around it, seeing His patience, the love and time He spent laying bare His skills and exposing His passion and love before them. The beauty of the master’s work is on full display. It is priceless, valued, treasured, protected and admired, unique and worthy to be seen!

YOU, my love, are God’s masterpiece. Your eyes might be rolling right now, or a tiny scoff may have passed through your lips, but when you step into God’s divine purpose for your life you will reflect his Glory.

You are worthy to be loved, admired, protected and treasured. Here is the best news, this is an undeniable truth, not because of you, but because you are a reflection of the brilliance of the Artist Himself.

Hello, Priceless!

What would happen to us both, if we began to see ourselves as priceless and perfected? Would we stop hating ourselves, stop talking negatively about ourselves? Would we feel successful and joyful because in Christ we have an unimaginable worth and value that the world can never take or diminish because it didn’t give it to us!

Knowing that we are created in God’s image gives us an inherent worth and dignity. Embracing that truth requires faith, but the beauty of this truth is knowing that we have a God given purpose and value. The Word tells us that we are made in His image, we are redeemed, adopted, empowered by the Spirit, chosen, brave, loved and strong. Knowing this, I am not who I used to be, nor are you!

May we never stop "becoming” more and more of who we are in Christ!

I woke up at 4:30 in the morning a couple of years ago to my husband typing a beautiful text to his daughter for her 19^th birthday. He was recreating for her the emotional, joy filled moments he shared with her mom the morning she was born. His words painted a picture that brought me to tears…on so many levels and in ways I didn’t expect. You must know that I absolutely love how much my husband loves his children. The story he was telling her showed not only his love for her, but the love and need/desire to protect his wife as she was bringing this life, an embodiment of their love, into the world.

It is so important to us as parents to children of divorce, that each child knows that they were created in love. It is so important to the child to know that their parent’s love for one another was real and that that love story belongs to them. I desire nothing more in my life than to have our daughter know how much love was shared between her parents, especially as they welcomed her into the world. And it brings me so much joy that my husband feels safe and comfortable in our relationship that he can openly share and talk about these stories and these moments with joy and happiness. Because it is the character and love he had in those moments that make him the man that I adore. I cannot emphasize this enough, I am so profoundly grateful that his first wife, Kerri, had him beside her, watching over her, holding her hand, and loving her. Knowing him, it probably killed him as he felt helpless as his beautiful wife endured the pains of labor. I know that I am honestly soulfully happy for her because I am so grateful that she never had to know the pain and hurt of feeling so alone and hopeless in those moments.

My husband and I often share stories from our first marriages. We have purposed to have a place for them in our lives as they are part of our story. Normally, I delight in the details that I wasn’t a part of in our children’s lives. And in so many ways, in this moment, I was enjoying listening to the details of the moments leading up to him becoming a daddy for the first time. And then I caught myself crying. I was completely unprepared to feel emotional pain, hurt and sadness as I listened. He finished his text and sent his daughter this wonderful gift. And we went back to sleep.

We didn’t have his children with us on this particular weekend and JR had set this day aside to take my son to get his hunting license. A few hours after the text was sent, Donovan and JR set off with excitement to the hunting class. After the boys left and I heard the car leave the driveway, I laid in bed and cried. I was filled with so much hurt and anger, I didn’t know what to do with myself. After a very long and arduous journey and fight to let go of my past, the abuse, the abandonment, the hurt, the anger, the unforgiveness, I have been living in the freedom that Christ gave me. This freedom was so overwhelming, and the joy that came with it was so life changing and powerful that I was completely dumbfounded by this flood of old emotion.

I was so angry that my husband was so present for Kerri. I was so angry that he loves his children with so unending fierceness. I began to let it consume me. All I could do was lie in bed and allow my past to haunt my every thought. I not only could remember, but recount and relive every moment of my own pregnancy and the birth of my son. Those nine months were the loneliest I had ever experienced and filled the bleakest and most hopeless and desperate moments of my life. There were so many instances that I remember knowing that my ex-husband didn’t love me nor valued my life, but there was a shocking lack of concern and love for the life I carried that we had created together. No amount of time has helped me come to terms with that ugly truth. And the stark contrast of Claudia’s story of love to the emptiness and void of love and hope I had as I recounted my son’s birth broke my heart all over again. And I began to rage with all the ugliness that hurt that deep creates.

I tried so hard to pick a fight with my husband so I had the “right” to be mad at him. I was bleeding all over the man that didn’t cut me. I had to stop in that moment and step back into the freedom I have been so freely given. I had been crying for anger I had for myself that I never realized that I was worth so much more than I settled for. I was crying because I had chosen this person to be my son’s father. I wept for all the lies I believed for so many years about who I was and what I was worth, taking the word of a man over the unshakeable, undeniable truth about who I am because I am who God says I am. I had lived calling God a liar. And I wept with grief.

I love to tell the horrible mess that my life once was. I share the story of the psychological, emotional and physical abuse I endured. I share the fear my son and I endured while we were stalked. I tell my story of the injustice I faced with the police and judicial system. I even like telling the ugliness that I created and lived in for years after the abuse and stalking had ended. I love sharing how stubborn and self-righteous I was when my husband relentlessly and prayerfully pursued my heart and the heart of my son, and during my silence, his pursuit of God to be the man God wanted to grow him to be. I love all the yuck in my story because it unequivocally and unabashedly shows the awesome love of our God and His story of redemption. God has redeemed my life in so many countless ways that it is overwhelming most days.

But here in this moment, I couldn’t see or feel any of that beauty. I felt betrayed and abandoned by my ex-husband in ways that I hadn’t in a decade. This pain wasn’t about the emotional, psychological or physical abuse. This pain was grief for all that I lost (or more so what I never had the opportunity to enjoy). Unlike with death, there is no designated time to grieve for all that was and may have been. I didn’t even believe that there was an acknowledgement or “permission” for me to do so. I am not sure I fully comprehended all of the ways I needed to. I nearly escaped my first marriage with my life. I know all too well what God had rescued me from. So many days I cried out to him to just get me to the next day, sometimes to the next hour, and sometimes I begged God to let me make it to the next second, or not to let my son wake up next my lifeless body. My son and I were free and safe, I felt I had no right to feel sad for the things we lost and the life we left behind. I needed to grieve the life I thought we had, the life I imagined us having, the life I wanted to share with him and our son.

Once the truth of our situation was told, my son and I were whisked out of our house never to return. We literally started our next life with only the clothes from our last. We were blessed to have a beautiful new home, new furniture and no financial pressure. My son never had to change schools, and my job was secure, and we were surrounded by family and friends and all their love and support. I’d be ungrateful if I dare grieved for all that God rescued me from, right? And now here I am with this phenomenal husband who loves Donovan and me so completely and who is truly a father to my son in ways I never could have imagined Donovan would need, never would have known, and with absolute sincerity is it breath taking. And now I’m having a hissy fit and crying feeling sorry for myself about having felt so alone when giving birth to Donovan, all the while the man who stood beside his wife on this day 19 years ago was being the daddy to my baby with the same great love and devotion that I was so happy Claudia and Kerri had.

Grief is relentless. Grief is a right of passage from one piece of life to the next. It is a profound and natural emotional response to loss and the learning process one has to embrace in order to cope with it. The truth that I hadn’t understood is that grieving is a process that can occur when there is more than just physical death. I stood at the precipice of a change that had happened long ago and I grieved as if I just lost a loved one. I cried. I shook. I was filled with an emptiness, disappointment and an anger that I felt I had no right to feel. But as I stood face to face with my past and my current reality, I ran into the mercy and grace of our Father.

God gently took my hand and walked me through a new valley of darkness in need of the light of His sacrificial, merciful love and the obedience of my heart to forgive the one who broke my heart so long ago. I had to also offer myself forgiveness, to lay down the hurt and shame and lack of worth I have carried for way too long. And as I read Numbers 6:24-26, “May the Lord bless you and protect you; may the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; may the Lord look with favor on you and give you peace” and I knew that this blessing had already been given to me long before I knew to ask for it.

Wherever you find yourself right now, may you be overwhelmed with God’s love and may His face radiate His divine favor and peace over your life.

If you have experienced abuse, divorce or are facing grief you didn’t expect, you are not alone! Reach out to me any time at suntanincjess@gmail.com!

Life is meant to be lived together in Christ!

This phrase is actually derived from the Hebrew word rapha which means “to be weak, to let go, to release.” Essentially, it means surrender.

Ohhhhhh so much of me wishes I had a video of myself throughout a normal day, especially a Sunday morning. Explaining myself in all of my renowned excessive, big, constant and often clumsy movements would be so much more concise through motion pictures. But words are glorious pieces of art, sat side by side that invite you, the reader, into the creation of this image so without any further ado…

“Be & Still,” two words that are the antithesis of any descriptor anyone has EVER used for me.

Without effort, I am in perpetual motion. My husband says I talk big (with my hands), I cook big (with the carefree distribution of spices over the meal and stove). And I love BIG…I love people with all of my heart & all of my excitement, all of the time (like a hummingbird in the spring, me in the church lobby on a busy Sunday morning, flittering from person to person sharing all of my joy and the love of Jesus).

My mind struggles to not let my thoughts jump and race about. I’m always excited and I chatter...a lot. My dad once said I was injected with a phonograph needle.

THESE are the first things people comment on immediately after meeting me. It’s how I’ve always been. And in the past few years I have come to figure out that God isn’t surprised that I’m excitable, talkative or wiggly. He created me, and I now believe, to some extent, this is my superpower, part of my ministry. It is a God given gift.

And then…..

“Be still, and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

Challenge accepted!

Three years ago I had felt God calling me for 6 months to a year to “be still.”

My initial reaction was, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LORD?” I just settled, at 44, into the fact that I am a torrent of motion. I move in abundance, all of me moves all of the time, and my stream of consciousness train of thought, spoken aloud and at an unbelievable (to most) pace was and is just another piece the frenetic pace of me, and it is a lot! But I kind of loved it…I think?!?

But if I were to be quiet and be still, who would I be? What would define me?

How am I supposed to practice the beginning of Psalm 46:10, “Be still...?” How do I sit still, sit in silence and quiet my mind while spending time alone with my Creator in silent prayer? I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!

And then I read this written by Tyler Staton, “Practice silence as a sacrificial offering to God. It’s that simple. It’s about giving something of yourself to God...” So simple, so profound. And for a year I went on this journey with God with fervor. I would hear in my Spirit when to listen and when to talk in conversations, I could feel God moving in my life in new and powerful ways. I was met with so much grace. Someone once told me that every time your mind wanders in prayer, it is just another opportunity to turn back to God. I had a plethora of moments when I got to turn my eyes back to my loving and very patient Father!

And after that season had come and I thought had gone, I wrote this, “I’m purposing to give the quiet moments in the house before anyone else stirs, to give God all that he’s made me to be as I sit in silence, break my attachment to who I think I am and just be still and remind myself that I know that he is God, I know who he is. In silence I allow Him to replace everything inside of me with all that he is, I replace myself with his love. His love and grace and mercy now defines me and that sets me free.”

That is still all true. I had learned to be more like Jesus, and to try and never let myself be distracted by hurry. I finally learned to slow my roll, see one person at a time and give them my undivided attention. My relationship with God grew to new depths (or heights?). I had grown, I was so proud of the Holy Spirit and me. We did it! I CAN BE STILL (ish)!

Know that I am God

“Know in this instance means “to properly ascertain by seeing” and “acknowledge, be aware.” How does acknowledging God impact our stillness? We know that He is omniscient (all-knowing), omnipresent (present everywhere), omnipotent (all-powerful), holy, sovereign, faithful, infinite, and good. Acknowledging God implies that we can trust Him and surrender to His plan because we understand who He is.” -GotQuestions.org

You and I, right now are in my, “Know that I am God” moment. Despite all the peace I had found with God when I surrendered who I thought I was, no longer Mrs. Wigglesworth, but Mrs. God Gives Me My Worth!

I am who He says I am, and I am HIS.

• Have you ever felt God calling you to stillness?

• What are you hearing Him ask you to surrender and know?

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“Comfort is never found in answers. It is found in arms.” -Anna Voskamp

Yesterday God gave me the opportunity to be His arms! Joann, who I met in the park by the hospital, needed “withness”. She needed to be seen and welcomed into society despite her circumstances. She needed to be loved and valued, touched and hugged because of Whose she is, not in spite of where life has brought her. God invites all of us to be His arms and to close the divide between one’s self imposed shame and the fervor of the Father’s love.

One moment filled with nervous hesitation and full surrender led to hugs, prayer, tears and friendship. Joann had a palpable ache about her, an ache to be given a moment of “withness” that she felt so undeserving to have.

I had no answers to her problems. But I saw in her what I so often saw in myself-brokenness. God sees all my failures, my heart, He hears my cries, witnesses my mistakes, He wore my shame and drank from my cup of death and to give me life. My brokenness was healed by the love of the infallible Father who now sees me clothed in the righteousness and perfection of His Son.

Jesus stretched out His arms on a cross to find and embrace Joann and slay the darkness that follows her. He saved her to bring her back to Himself.

But it is so much more than that! Those are the arms that reached out to hugged the unhuggable, His hands clasped hers in prayer. His gentle touch wiped her tears away. Those tears flowed because she knew she was seen because she is so loved by her Savior.

The greatest joy of my life is the gift of my purpose. The purpose that was grown out of devastation, pain and a life shattered. What a gift to be called beloved when once I was unloved and unlovable. The God of all the universe calls me His, His beloved! Joann and I are sisters in Christ though once were not God’s people. We once were not beloved but now our Abba calls us beloved! Oh, to be so loved!!!

To hold hands with Joann, tell her Jesus loves her and that I love her is an unfathomable blessing and honor. I personally have nothing to offer. Nothing of my own. I can share with her the unearned love I’ve been given. I can share the clothes God has provided and share the lunch I have been blessed to buy and share with her.

The greatest honor of my life is to be His hands and feet…the arms of our Jesus!

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12

The Power in Meaning

For as long as I can remember I have had a deep love and relationship with words. Words are the vessels of meaning but the choice of the word we use reveals our hearts, our thoughts and emotions…they carry weight. Before I fell in love with Jesus, I didn’t understand that the “hidden” knowledge in words was actually a transcendental experience. The first time I read

John 1:1-5, I knew immediately that I fell in love with words because Jesus is the Word. He was the Word I had been searching for my whole life.

“¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning. ³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light to all mankind. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:1-5

God’s words are always chosen with great purpose. And every time I have learned the meaning of words in verses, the more and more I fall in love with the Father. If you dig deep enough, the meanings change your life. God clothes each word with great power. Recently I discovered that the Hebrew word Ebenezer is one of those words!

I’d like to walk each of us through the meaning of Ebenezer and the deeper faith filled power it has to connect us to our Prodigals and both of us to the heart of the Father!

Stone of Help

Ebenezer is the Hebrew word that means “Stone of Help". The story and name of the stone has survived thousands of years as a testament to God’s help and faithfulness to the chronically unfaithful Israelites. This Biblical symbol and perspective into God’s character comes from 1 Samuel 4. The Bible says that the Israelites went and camped beside the town of Ebenezer, which has become inextricably linked with the incredibly devastating defeat and a dark spiritual time for Israel, and the longsuffering heart, faithfulness, mercy and glory of the Father are put on full display.

The Ebenezer built in 1 Samuel comes at a time in Israel’s history when they were living in the land of Canaan while they were transitioning from being ruled by judges to living under the rule of kings. The story finds the Israelites once again in a time of rebellion of God and they were suffering the consequences of their disobedience.

Haven’t we all found ourselves here at one point or another in our lives? I know that all of my twenties and part of my early thirties I loitered in this era of my life. I stayed too long, and I certainly reaped the harvest of my disobedient and seditious heart. It was when my circumstances shattered all reasonable expectations for God to rescue me that He intervened and saved my life and redeemed me. God waited until my heart recognized that He and only He could save me and I cried out with fear and repentance. This was the Ebenezer moment that set my soul on fire because God lavished me with His goodness when I least deserved it.

Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom before we realize that HE is the ROCK at the bottom….He is our Stone of Help!

A Grateful Mindset

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

1 Samuel 7:12 says , “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen…”. Again, I love that God never uses empty words or sentences. Instead, He creates depth in every single name he uses to convey to us the profoundness of His love!

Mizpah is yet one more word/name that was intentionally chosen because its significance is laden with the character of God. Mizpah means “Watchtower”. He is constantly watching over, guarding and leading those who love Him, “[He is] a very present help in trouble.”

As moms, our instinct is to run to our Prodigals and try to save them from themselves, from consequence, and from the world. The reality is that only God can truly save them, He has given them, and us, the dignity of choice and causality. I absolutely love that…the dignity of choice! You and I both know that when we are exhausted, when life has exhausted us, worn us out and we have come to the end of ourselves, we run to God because He IS our refuge and our strength, and our intimately involved loving Abba is so quick to comfort us, provide us with peace, and rest. And for that, I know that each of us are humbly grateful to Him.

To survive this Prodigal motherhood gig, we must have an imperative need for a grateful mindset. We must stop and recall each and every victory and answered prayer, big or small, that God has provided on their journey back to Himself. It is when we feel defeated or hopeless that we must bring to God our preemptive ebenezer proclaiming the day they come running into their Abba’s arms. We know that only God can provide that victory, and we will wait with expectant hearts. My desire is for each of us to have a physical and tangible representation of that day. We will stand on God’s Word, on His promises, on His faithfulness, mercy, grace, and on infinitely loving character that defies human comprehension.

Inside this bag are the “ingredients” of our declaration of God’s faithfulness over our Prodigals. You will find your preemptive, expectant stones of help. Whether you build your ebenezer with the stones, or gather them in a bowl in your prayer closet, mark them with the verses, promises, and words that God has clothed with great power. And in this, we WILL pray our children home!