Beautifully Broken . . . .

I was thinking today if I did a cardboard testimony, what would mine say?

More of my life than not, I would describe myself as broken, belittled, mocked, abused, abandoned, thrown away, unworthy, not enough. I allowed these words to define me, shame me, weigh me down, shape my thoughts and allow them to make me feel powerless and worthless. But there were times I wore them with pride, like scars earned in battle. I thought they demonstrated my strength, resilience and power to triumph no matter the odds. No matter which way I chose to wear them, they defined me as broken.

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When I first left my marriage and escaped years of abuse, I looked for anyone else whose stories mirrored mine. I wanted so desperately to find within their stories of survival some glimmer of hope to replace the sadness and hopelessness that I was smothered by and left me feeling isolated and alone. Little did I know, the greatest love of my life, my savior, Jesus Christ, had already bore the pain of those same words. He chose to understand exactly their weight and their pain so I would never have to be alone in my hurting.

I have been a Christian my entire life. Saved and baptized early in my youth, I knew that God made me, loved me, and sent His son to save me. I knew I was His. I knew with an unwavering faith that the backside of my cardboard testimony one day would say, “ Loved, chosen, cherished, restored and set free!” For years I could not imagine or see the details of how God was going to redeem my story for His glory, but I had faith that He would.

The final months of my marriage were filled with rage filled moments, hate filled words, chilling silences, betrayals, physical violence that caused a fear in me that I cannot describe. Even after escaping with my life, I felt hopeless and guilty. I felt discarded like trash. I felt unworthy to be loved. I felt unprotected and abandoned by the justice system. I felt worthless because of the pain and suffering that I didn’t deserve. I felt so alone and broken. Defined by the ugliest moments I endured.

Today I love saying that the worst moments of my life demonstrate the unwavering love Christ has for us. I once thought I was so alone in my suffering and that no one would ever be capable of comprehending the horrors that now defined me...BUT JESUS! Jesus knows! Jesus chose to understand the brokenness, fear, hurt, betrayal, sadness and pain I felt. There is a powerful sense of relief and hope when you see your story reflected in someone else’s testimony. It is to be seen and understood. It makes you realize you are not alone.

I had never looked at the story of Christ on the cross and saw a reflection of my own story. When I really examined the final days of His life on earth, I began to understand the power and the beauty of His love. Jesus was betrayed. He was treated unjustly. He was beaten. He was abandoned. He was mocked and shamed by those who were meant to love Him. When I saw my story in His, my life changed. My God loved me so much that He chose to join me in my suffering. He did not leave me alone in it. He didn’t watch it from afar. He experienced personally and took on my pain so I could understand the depths of His love for me.

In His worst moments, Jesus taught me how to live even in my pain. He taught me to serve others even when I’m hurting. I discovered there is joy and healing in the serving. Jesus on the cross, in His suffering, tells the thief on the cross that he’ll be with Him in Heaven. Here he is dying for all of mankind, yet the creator of the universe saw someone whose current pain reflected His and offered him hope and salvation. I’ve learned to never be ashamed to tell my story. I have become intentional to expose my pains, hurts and failures so they can see the hope and healing in my story only exists because of the redeeming power of Christ.

Jesus, on the cross, He taught me forgiveness. Jesus begged God to forgive those crucifying Him. I couldn’t comprehend how I could ever forgive my ex-husband who had abused me, betrayed me, mocked me, stalked me and then abandoned our son. But Jesus knew unforgiveness chains us to our pain and our past. The world told me that my ex-husband didn’t deserve forgiveness. The world told me to embrace the anger because it was justified. But the unforgiveness left me consumed with anger and hatred, lonely and looking for anything to extinguish my pain. But there is freedom in forgiveness that the enemy doesn’t want us to know or embrace. To know Jesus, to experience His love and live in the freedom the cross gives us, means understanding loving Him is to forgive.

Once I knew and could comprehend that God loved me so much that He chose to endure all of my pain first, I was, for a lack of a better word, overwhelmed. I was never alone. Long before I knew Him, His love set me free from my pain. I was set free from the lies on the labels I wore.

Today I know that why the backside of my cardboard testimony reads:

I am beautifully broken, loved, chosen, cherished, forgiven, restored and set free. I am exactly who God says I am and I am His!